I want a boy who treats me bad (fedora lost)

missing days, 

of wondering, wait.
he is (high) above me
ill-timed ring,
an errant bra strap
is enough.

calls.
mean something
nothing,
everything.

smashing ashtrays
his jacket on the ground
fedora lost.

of mice

i break his heart, learning all the words
to

his favorite songs

and he breaks my will, but my knees are stained
with gratitude
my lipstick smeared

halcyon days

it was right
until it wasn't
and he left
because i wasn't
quiet, meek
because he wasn't
able
because it wasn't
his idea
because love wasn't
because 
halcyon days
won't (don't) last

bonnie & clyde redux

his hot mouth is enough to make me commit crimes.  his words undo me

we run a scam, lobby of a posh Vancouver hotel, leaving 

purple lip stain. 

confusion.

our loot across the duvet

Crystal Moments in Time

Dear Universe, or Whoever is Reading--

I've been thinking about what I like to call "crystal moments".  What are those, you ask?  They are those extremely rare moments in time that are absolutely perfect... where you have no need or desire that is unmet, and if the world ended right then, you would be perfectly happy to leave the mortal coil.

They are also so, so fragile, like fine crystal, that they shatter into a million pieces in a heartbeat.

I've only had a few of these in my life.  I'm not sure if this is a universal experience, or maybe some people have them all the time?  Is that what true happiness is?  Regardless, they are precious pieces of my memory, and I'd like to share one with you.  This feels a little strange to be sharing, mostly because it's a little silly, and might seem odd to you that this moment was important.  I'll try to explain why.

I met Paul online in the Summer of 1995.  I'm not sure what we talked about now, or why we started chatting, but we seemed to instantly have a connection.  We decided to meet up at a local mall and have a meal.  

He wasn't what you would call classically handsome, but he had an infectious smile and messy, reddish brown hair.  His glasses gave him just the right amount of geek for my taste, and he smelled like laundry soap and clove cigarettes.  He dressed in a way that was typical for the time-- over-sized military-style jacket, doc martens, and baggy cargo pants.  

Our first meal led to another, then a movie, and eventually hanging out at his place, listening to music and watching movies.  We didn't seem to be in a hurry to pursue a physical relationship, but there was one thing we both seemed to like.

Paul didn't smoke inside his apartment, but instead went out on the deck.  I would follow him out, and stand behind him and wrap my arms around him.  I'd rest my head on his back, and listen to him inhale and exhale, and smell his unique scent.  He'd lean his head back to rest it on mine, and stare at the sky.

It was that moment that is etched forever in my mind.  There was just something there... something that made me think life was perfect.  The sky could come crashing down and I would be fine.

Paul and I didn't last.  There was some sort of ex-girlfriend in the picture, if I remember right.  But I did take a few important things from that relationship.  It was the first time I was with someone I considered my intellectual equal, someone who I could actually see having a future with.  He treated me like a queen, and would do little things to make me happy-- like have my favorite soda in the fridge.  He told me I was beautiful. 

I felt loved by him, just for being myself.

And doesn't every women need to know that?  

You are enough, just the way you are.

Bittersweet Love Songs, or Why Love Sucks and I Want to Die

Dear Universe, or Whoever is Reading--

I have always preferred the more maudlin love songs, as opposed to the everything's-perfect-and-you-complete-me variety.  I think that sort of love is unsustainable.  Not every couple is happy all of the time... and everyone knows what heartbreak feels like.

Here are some songs to listen to when you've had the crapped kicked out of you by love, in no particular order.

"Alive With The Glory Of Love" by Say Anything
This song is about a couple during the holocaust.  Need I say more?  Romantic, yes, but dark too.

"The Winner Takes It All" by Abba
Say what you will about Abba, but this song is a winner for me because of the wistful, hurt-laden lyrics.  In particular, "But tell me does she kiss, Like I used to kiss you?  Does it feel the same, When she calls your name?"

"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
Besides the catchy sound of this song, it's about imagining your lover with someone else.  Enough said.

"This Year's Love" by David Gray
With lyrics like, "This year's love had better last, Heaven knows it's high time, And I've been waiting on my own too long, But when you hold me like you do, It feels so right, I start to forget, How my heart gets torn, When the hurt gets thrown, Feeling like you can't go on..." it's no wonder this song makes my list.  It makes a lump form in my throat when I listen to it.

"Fire Maple Song" by Everclear
This is from an earlier album of theirs.  The song is about finding out a former lover and friend has died, and the resulting nostalgia and pain.

"Pictures of You" by The Cure
Yes, being a child of the 80's and 90's, I have a great affinity for The Cure.  This song saw me through dark, dark teenage times, especially the line, "If only I'd though of the right words, I could've held on to your heart".  Remember dissecting every interaction with the opposite sex and wondering what you could have done differently?

 "Tonight Is The Night I Fell Asleep At The Wheel" by Barenaked Ladies
Heartbreaking song about a man driving home who is thinking of everything but his girl ("You're the last thing on my mind..") but then falls asleep at the wheel.. and then his girl really is the last thing on his mind.

"The Scientist" by Coldplay
This song is haunting, but the video more so.  It plays the story out backwards, so you don't realize until the end he is singing about a car accident, and wanting to change the outcome.

"If You Don't, Don't" by Jimmy Eat World
Jimmy Eat World is a totally underrated band in the first place, and this is probably my favorite song of theirs.  My favorite lines are, "If you don't don't know, Why'd you say so? Would you mean this please if it happens? If you don't know, Why would you say so? Won't you get your story straight? If you don't know, Honey, Why'd you just say so? Cause I need this now more than I ever did, If  you don't, well, Honey, You don't"  Ahh, unrequited love.  Like a knife in the heart.

I'm gonna go slit my wrists now.  I'M KIDDING!

Until next time--

Jenna

Finding Friends, or Why I'm not Everyone's Cup of Tea

Dear Universe, or Whoever is Reading--

I have a hard time keeping friends.  No, that's not quite the right way to put it.  I have a  hard time making deep, important friendships, and then keeping them.  It's not that I'm some sort of social outcast or regularly shunned; it's just that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I tend to be a little intense when I'm first trying to get to know someone.  I ask questions that are (probably) too personal.  I view things in a slightly morbid, perverted light.  Wow, even reading that sentence makes me shake my head.  I also expect a great deal from people, and have high expectations of them.  I guess it's that old adage, "treat others as you would like to be treated".  I will be loyal to you until the end of time and expect the same in return.  I will do things that you will think are above and beyond the level of our friendship, which will then make you feel bad because, hey, you think I'm a nice person, but aren't we just acquaintances?!  Then I'll make a bad joke, or inadvertently make fun of something that you really like (The Bachelor, maybe?) and then you'll stop returning my texts, and then maybe cancel plans.  

And I will lose another friend just by being myself.  I try to think of it as a curse and a blessing.  A curse for the obvious reasons, but a blessing because the people who love me for all my flaws and positive attributes are the sort of people who I can count on to help me bury the bodies of those who won't be my friends.

I'm kidding.  Or am I?  

Thank you Morris, Danielle, Sis, and Richard.  I love you all!

Until next time--

Jenna

   

FOMO

Dear Universe, or Whoever is Reading--

FOMO.  Fear Of Missing Out.  Apparently it's a new (well, new to me) acronym that has been making the rounds.  It specifically applies to social media, like Facebook and Twitter and Instagram.  Its the feeling that comes from seeing everyone else's "great" lives, "fantastic" vacations, and "amazing" activities online.

I think it's a bunch of bullshit. Really. It's a high school mentality. The same feeling most of us had that the "popular kids" were somehow having an easier, better time of it.  It essentially boils down to one thing.

Perception.

I used to care how other people perceived me and my life.  Until just recently, actually.  It's only been maybe... two years that I stopped living my life for other people and started making decisions and choices that made me happy.  Decisions and choices that benefited my life and mental health and family.  It's been absolutely liberating, and I highly recommend that you try it.

It wasn't easy, though.  I had to learn to let go of one essential and very human emotion- jealousy.  Not envy-- that is a whole other emotion that I still wrestle with.  Jealously.  The definition of jealousy is resentment against a rival or a person enjoying success or advantage.  I had to learn to stop being so angry and irritated that life seemed to deal me a bum hand.  I had to let go of that feeling that I was somehow owed something.  I had to be okay with who I was and where I was at in my life. 

I also needed to look beyond what other had.  Sure, this friend and his wife went to Bermuda or Paris, but I knew they couldn't afford it.  They charged it to an already over-burdened credit card.  And this other friend, she runs marathons!  Why can't I do that?  I had to remember that I truly hate running.  The only time I will run is if I am being chased.  And what about that person's amazing and expensive wedding?  Remember they are probably starting their married life out in debt.  And isn't marriage hard enough without adding that to the mix?

Try to perceive what is behind the shiny, perfect outside.  Everyone has problems, and no one is perfect.  It's really just all about perception. Don't fear missing out.  You only truly miss out when you waste time on petty, poisonous jealousy.

Until tomorrow--
Jenna